


Like Father, Like Son

by radicallyred



Series: Pick up the Pieces [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen
Genre: Angst, Canon Death, Gen, I cried writing it, I'm so sorry, THIS IS HEART BREAKING, larry isn't an asshole in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-08 18:51:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11652579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radicallyred/pseuds/radicallyred
Summary: When they named their baby boy, Larry never expected to see that name etched into a tombstone. It was haunting. His kid, barely eighteen, was six feet under ground marked by a granite headstone that read"CONNOR THOMAS MURPHYJULY 29, 1998-SEPTEMBER 5, 2016A GREAT SON AND WONDERFUL FRIEND"or my version of Larry's perspective of dealing with Connor's death because I refuse to believe this man is so stoic and emotionless and it hurts me when i read he's an asshole 24/7.





	Like Father, Like Son

When they named their baby boy, Larry never expected to see that name etched into a tombstone. It was haunting. His kid, barely eighteen, was six feet under ground marked by a granite headstone that read  


"CONNOR THOMAS MURPHY  
JULY 29, 1998-SEPTEMBER 5, 2016  
A GREAT SON AND WONDERFUL FRIEND"

Larry didn't cry at the funeral. It didn't feel real to him. It was like a horrible dream he couldn't wake up from. The night the cops showed up at the door, his first thought was that Connor got arrested. He saw red immediately, seething in anger over something he didn't even know yet. But then the officer spoke and he almost preferred the arrest.  
_"We found your son passed out in the park, a bottle of prescription medication was in his pocket. We regret to inform you that despite efforts to save him, your son passed away this evening. We ruled it a suicide."_ Cynthia hit the floor, screaming and crying and begging for this not to be real and Larry just stood there. Frozen. Paralyzed. He was brought back to the day Cynthia told him she was pregnant with Connor.  


He remembered being terrified. Sure, he and Cynthia had been married for close to ten years and, yes, they had been trying for a little while but the sheer feeling of panic that washed over him when she said _"I'm pregnant,"_ paralyzed him. He was nervous as all hell and then he saw the sonogram and it was as if all his doubts suddenly disappeared. His little peanut, strong heart, thirteen weeks in the womb. He cried in the doctors office, making a silent vow to be everything he needed from a father when he was growing up. From then on, excitement began to grow. They discussed, well, fought over, names one night and they ultimately agreed that Larry could name it if the baby was a girl and Cynthia got to choose the boy's name.  
"We should talk names," Cynthia said in bed one night. "Tell each other what we're thinking." Larry put his book down and took off his glasses.  
"Okay," he turns to her. "What are you thinking?" He asks.  
"I like Connor, Jack and Thomas."  
"Thomas," Larry says slowly. "Thomas as in–"  
"Your father, Larry. He won't get to meet his grandfather. I just think it would be a nice gesture. Maybe as a middle name if you aren't so keen on it." Larry chews his lip.  
"As a middle name." He agrees. "Thomas is too... old school." Larry says. "But I really like Connor."  
"Yeah?" Cynthia smiles.  
"Yeah. Connor Thomas Murphy. That's a strong name." Cynthia smiles wider.  
"What about you? If it's a girl?"  
"I only have two. Zoe Elizabeth or Kathryn Grace."  
"Zoe," Cynthia tried the name on her lips. "Zoe Murphy," She says with a laugh. "Zoe. Absolutely Zoe," Cynthia clutched his hand. "We just named our baby." She says leaning to kiss Larry on the lips. His hands fall to her stomach, caressing his child. Their first family moment.  
Connor Thomas Murphy was born on a very hot day in July at an ungodly hour of the morning. And _God_ could the kid scream. The nurses immediately whisked him away to be cleaned and measured and Larry was mesmerized by the tiny boy. Just seven pounds, five ounces and twenty inches, Connor was beautiful. Big eyes and a full head of hair, and those cheeks were to die for. The nurse put him in Larry's arms and he cried.  
"I promise I will be better than my father ever was. You are my whole world. I won't let anyone hurt you."  


He shakes himself from the memory as he stares at the headstone. It's freezing out, a pretty hefty snow storm hit the night before and Larry was originally just going to drive by the cemetery and go home but, well, here he is: standing with his gloved hands buried in the pockets of his coat, scarf flapping in the wind.  
"Hi, Connor." He says lamely. "I, um, I'm so sorry I don't visit much. It's...this is all very strange to me. I feel like I'm talking to you in your mother's womb again but there won't be happy tears at the end of the conversation when you kick for the first time. Instead I'll get back in the car, sob like a baby for a few minutes then go home." He clears his throat, wills his tears to go away.  
"I know I wasn't the father you needed me to be and I know I never made things easy for you. I was trying," a tear rolls down his cheek. "But I wasn't trying hard enough. I didn't want to admit that something was... was wrong with you, I guess. I, it killed me to see you hurting. I thought it was just a phase or a cry for attention. Hell, when you...the first time, I cried every day for a month because I didn't know how to help you. Your mother is a superhero, you know. She kept pushing and I just stopped. I gave up. I gave up and that wasn't fair to you." His voice cracked so he stopped, wiped his tears and collected himself.  


"I didn't have the best relationship with my father. And I swore to you when I held you for the first time I would give you the relationship I needed growing up. I said I would never let anyone hurt you but I never thought I would need to save you from yourself." Larry's stomach twists. He swallows hard and speaks again.  
"I think we did okay when you were younger. You had all those toy airplanes and you played baseball and watched those stupid Disney movies. Jesus, you loved those things. I think you were the happiest kid I'd ever seen when we went to Disney when you were seven. You smiled the whole time and cried so hard when we had to go home you passed out in my arms. I like remembering you like that. My biggest regret is joining that firm later that year. I think that's when it all went wrong. I wasn't home as much and when I was I was tired and irritable and you just wanted to play or cuddle and I," Larry sobs. "I distinctly remember telling you to grow up and let me work." Larry catches his breath. "So I'm sorry. I'm _so fucking sorry_ that you had me as a father. If I could go back I wouldn't have taken that job. I would've sucked it up in that old firm and made partner and done better. Maybe then you would be at home shouting at Zoe to play her guitar quieter and your mother wouldn't be a zombie. She doesn't sleep. She doesn't eat or work out or try weird new fads. She is so depressed and I can't help but feeling like it's all my fault. All of this. If I wasn't so fucking conceited we wouldn't be _here_." He stands angrily, breathing through his nose to calm down.  


"So, we're going to start therapy next week. All of us. We need help. You needed help and you didn't get it. It would be wrong for us to not learn from this." Larry touches the stone. "If I could trade places with you, son, I would. No questions asked. I love you, Connor. So much." And with that, Larry walks away, cries in his car and screams at the universe for being unfair until he turns his car on and drives home. He'll sit at home with his wife and daughter in silence as they push their food around their ugly yellow plates, staring at the empty chair across from Zoe. And, for once, Larry will cry in front of his family as he tells them what he did today. And, for once, everything has potential to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry  
> also sorry the formatting is weird in the middle, no matter what i did it wouldn't go away.  
> tell me what you think


End file.
